Justin,
When I kept thinking about writing this I had a million things in my mind I wanted to write, I wanted to say. My main reason for writing this is that I'll never get to talk to you again. I know that you'll probably never see this on this blog and I'm okay with that. Not, because I'm afraid of your reaction or what you would say, but because I just want to let my feelings out and for once I want to do it with no repercussions. I was planning on making it private. I don't want people who pass-by and read it to think I'm looking for attention or anything. At the same time I'm afraid it will make me look like some kind of loser, but honestly I've accepted that deep down I am some kind of loser. Don't get me wrong, I love myself. Nowadays I probably love myself more than people think I should, but besides some physical aspects I'm very happy with myself. I don't want this to be some long rambling post so I'm going to get back on subject, but I don't need anyone's sympathy and in a way I don't care what people think after they read this. It's public, because I want to let out my feelings, accept that this portion of my life is over and who knows, maybe deep down inside I am hoping you might see this, even though I know you won't. Hell you don't even know this blog exists. You probably still think I blog on Xanga. You don't know anything about me these days and I guess you don't care. Why would you? We broke up almost 3 years ago. How is it possible you've had this kind of impact on my life for 3 years? How is it possible I haven't moved on? I still remember when we first stopped talking. All I did was think that you'd be back any day now. I'd talk to Alex or Ayin and even Rima about you. How we were becoming distant. You had just told Alex you weren't sure we'd even like eachother once we met. You told her how you wanted to travel. You wanted to become a pilot and you weren't sure if I wanted to travel. You never asked. I only remember telling you I wanted to be with you. I remember before we stopped talking you told me you were moving to France. Your dad was retiring and he wanted to visit there. You'd probably be going to school there and stay for 4 years. You weren't sure if we could handle "longer distance." I find it kind of funny, in an ironic way, that after 3 years you're still where you started. You're still in Hollister and you've never left. Have you ever gone further than San Diego? Did you ever even visit SD? It's funny that in the end I'm the one who travels. I'm the one who goes places. I'm the one who's aunt wants to visit France when she retires and probably will go with her for a year or more. My aunt actually visits other countries. Does your dad? Okay, I'll stop before this starts sounding spiteful. Let's talk about how we all loved you and you left us behind. You didn't just abandon me, you abandoned Alex, Ayin, Rima, Em.. I assume you don't talk to Rima anymore. I know that even after you stopped talking to me you still talked to her older sister. I can't remember her name, but who cares. She and I never got along anyway. I think breaking up with you was so hard, because we never officially broke up. I think that's the worst part about LDRs. The fact that one day your SO can literally just delete you. I know this sounds "angsty" and generic, but after we stopped talking I started to think everything you told me was a lie. No. I believed it. I believed that you never loved me. I don't know how logical that is, because at the time it all seemed so perfect. Now my mind is telling me you got yourself into a relationship and realized it wasn't what you wanted. My mind makes me believe you kept talking with me and "loving me," because you didn't want to hurt me. Then, ultimately, you decided I'd just get over it and you decided it'd be easier to "go away for the Summer" and never come back. I spent two years crying. Wanting you to come back. Knowing you would. Knowing we were perfect for each-other. I feel like we weren't capable of giving our relationship what it deserved. Like it was the wrong time for the right relationship. Honestly, in a way, I still feel like we are meant to be. I guess the difference between then and now is I'm not going to sit back anymore and wait for you. I guess I still haven't given up complete hope that we'll cross paths again, but I'm not going to distance myself from other people. I use to think if I stayed single it would prove I was waiting for you and you meant everything to me. You did mean everything to me. You still do in a way. I found myself crying more often. I hated everyone and everything and to this day I still don't hate you. Whenever I think about you I doubt that our love was ever real, but then I think what if it was. I guess, ultimately, I find myself wondering what happened? I blamed everyone else for our break up. I felt like it was you and I against the world. Like no one else believed in us, even though they did. I honestly felt like the only people who believed in our relationship were Alex and Ayin. I blamed my mum, thinking if she hadn't done everything in the world to stop me from being able to contact you. I blamed your parents. I'm sure your mum didn't like me. I blamed your friends, I'm sure they didn't like me either, but it's okay, because I didn't like them either. I never thought I'd get over you, but I think I am. I think I can finally accept that we no longer have a relationship. I don't want to sound like some bad romance movie, but you were my first love. You gave me something amazing. Something that no one could ever take away. I'll never be mad at you. I'll always miss you. I'm just ready to move on. I'm ready to be happy again and make up for lost time. I wish you could see this. I wish we could talk. I wish I had those options. I want you to answer all the questions you left me with. When did you realize you stopped loving me? When did you realize you could go another day without ever talking to me? Or talking to Alex or Ayin? Most importantly I just want to ask you, what happened? Well Justin? What happened?
xx Alexis
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